I want to be free, I said. I don’t want to feel trapped, held back, restrained. I want to feel free. It wasn’t too long ago I uttered those words for the first time. And I’ve said them many times since. But what does freedom actually mean?
Over the past few years my health has dictated a lot of the choices in my life. I’ve had to make decisions that I didn’t necessarily want to, and follow the path that was being laid out before me.
Four years ago, in incredible pain, in an emergency room, I found out that I have severe endometriosis. I’ll never forget the words from my doctor… You’ve got a 10cm cyst on your left ovary. This is serious Kate, you’ll be having emergency surgery to remove it first thing in the morning.
My now husband and I were just newly engaged, and suddenly my excitement and joy for our future had hit a big fat brick wall. What does this mean for us? Where will my life go from here?
The surgery went well, but it wasn’t the end. I mean is it ever the end? I guess only when it really IS the end. I journeyed down a path of self-discovery and because of what was happening in my body, my health had to come first. I said goodbye to a lot of things that were no longer serving me to better health, and welcomed in new things like yoga, cold pressed juice and meditation.
My life begun to shift, and I felt that, but I also felt restricted. My life had to fit inside four walls in order for me to not land myself back in hospital. Although the changes I had made had lead me into a life that I knew I was meant to be living, something still didn’t sit right.
I was dictated by fear. I was so scared of what would happen if I ‘fell of the wagon’.
And then, it happened. But this time, I didn’t fall off the wagon. There was no clear explanation.
Another cyst. More surgery. And I found myself right back in the midst of fear, confusion and a whole lot disconnect from my body. Why is this happening? Why aren’t I getting better? What is wrong with my body?
Realistically, my health was improving, it’s my patience that was the issue. My pain had drastically reduced, and my surgeon commented to me after the second operation that she couldn’t believe that she was operating on the same person she had done a few years earlier.
I had healed. A lot since she’d last been in my tummy. But this one comparably small cyst (4.5cm) just needed to be removed, in order for me to continue to move forward.
The past few years contributed to my need to feel free. To not be dictated by fear, to no longer be scared to travel more than 2 hours from home in case something went wrong, to not feel that if I do one thing differently that my body will make me pay for it.
And so, I had to get clear on what freedom means to me.
To me, freedom is the ability to follow your heart without condition or restriction. To feel supported and safe. To feel that you are able to enjoy your life in each moment. To feel that there is no burden, that I am right where I’m supposed to be and that everything will ALWAYS be ok. Even when it’s not.
Getting clear on what freedom is to me, was so eye opening. How often do we say things that we want in out lives, but we don’t know what they actually mean. I want to be successful, I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, I want to be loved.
But what does it actually mean?
For me, I want to be free. Free to live, love and play as my soul calls me to. With an open heart and a warm hug for myself. This is what I want.
So I want to ask you, what do you want? What would it feel like? What would your day look like? How would you spend your time? Get clear on what it actually means to you. When you know where you’re going, it’s a whole lot easier to get there.
Love Kate X
Kate is a life coach who fiercely chases freedom not just in her own life, but for other women also. She is passionate about self love and is committed to helping women bust through heavy thoughts of inadequacy, and unleash their brilliance. Make sure you check out Kate's website to read more about her. She will welcome you into her heart like a beautiful warm hug and you'll never want to leave. P.s. I had the absolute pleasure of designing Kate's brand and building her website, and it has been one of my favourite creative projects to date (perhaps mostly because she was a dream to work with). Love Heids Xx