I have been seeing a phycologist. I am definitely not afraid to admit it... But I am afraid to admit what I learnt recently.
I went to her to try and work through some grief, a few fears & a great sadness that hit hard after my family went through several tragedies, one being an ongoing battle for little Evie's life (my 3-year-old niece). After falling apart on her couch for about the 5th time, she asked me some questions... And as I answered it became clear to me. She was about to tell me I was depressed. But she didn't just say, "you're depressed"... She said "I think you've been depressed for a long time, probably since you were a teenager". I immediately thought, no, but as we talked I realised she was right.
I have had previous breakthroughs with depression before, especially when I was pregnant and for the first year of Emi's life. God gave me an incredible gift of peace during this time and I felt so transformed. But it didn't last. And that has been my journey. It has always come back even after moments of what I thought to be freedom from it's clutches.
It was Thursday night February 12. My family had just left the hospital where Evie lay, back in the grip of cancer. We were all completely broken and in absolute despair, because what seemed to be 3 months of complete bliss, freedom, and remission for Evie was now all a lie.
My family and I are Christians. But never before had our faith been pushed to breaking point like this. However, instead of lying broken, we did something different. We gathered together to pray. Something we hadn't done in perhaps forever... Not like this.
My husband can sing, and play guitar, so he lead us in some worship and then the fire came. The passion with which we prayed was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We didn't just pray for Evie either, we prayed for our entire family. We realised quickly, before we started praying that we all had something that was plaguing us... Like a curse. I admitted during this time that I had been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years (something I don't talk about with them). So we started fighting for our freedom as a family, together, united, in faith.
Suddenly, as everyone turned their prayers to me, fighting for my freedom from a 20-year burden of depression and anxiety, a warm, fiery feeling rushed through my body and stayed with me for days after. I felt healing wash over me and a buzz in my soul. I left that night in the utmost faith that not only was I healed, but Evie was completely healed too.
The faith only grew. And the happiness did too. I couldn't believe it, the joy was indescribable, and still is as I write this post (over 2 weeks later). There are no words actually big enough in the english dictionary to explain what happened to me that night. But here goes...
Getting up in the morning, feeling whole and happy, light-hearted, joyful and purposed was mostly impossible for me. I had to fight for that, every single day. Now it is an everyday, natural occurrence; I can't wipe the smile off my face; I can't stop faith from rising, and taking over - making me believe the impossible, especially for Evie; I can't help but know the battle has already been won; I now know without a shadow of a doubt that my life is incredible and most importantly, that I am loved.
The feeling of insignificance, rejection, neglect and dismissal has completely left me. And the best part is, I don't have to try to be noticed or included now. It just happens because I have a fresh perspective on life and people can see the light from within my soul. It has become unmistakably obvious that God has done a mighty work in my life.
Evie's report from the doctor still says there is a battle; it doesn't yet line up with what I know from what I experienced that night... But it will!
I now understand that hardships are more than just opportunities to grow and learn. They actually carry keys to unlock areas of complete bondage in your world, so you can have incredible reward, experience God's glory and receive insight like never before. In fact, they re-position you for an open heaven. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is a serious understatement.
Who knows why it took 20 years for my breakthrough to come. Who knows why God didn't just take the suffering away when I asked him as a young girl, a teenager, or young adult, or again and again all through UNI and the beginning of my marriage. But what I do know is that it doesn't matter, because the freedom I have now makes all of that fade away. In fact even if I had to wait until I was 5 minutes away from death, to get that breakthrough, the wait would have been worth it.
Don't give up. Don't stop believing. I believed for so long that I would be completely set free, one day. And that day has come. I have worked hard, sewing into my freedom. I have had lots of little breakthroughs along the way, and Blussh has come out of that journey. I never, ever gave up! And now, to have absolute complete freedom in something that had always been there, underlying everything I do, laying dormant or raising its ugly head, without my invitation and seemingly out of my control... Well, that is a miracle... AND worth all the blood, sweat and tears.
Believe you can have freedom too. Believe in something greater than yourself.
Love Heids Xx