None the Wiser

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It is a New Year, which means I have just put another year of lessons learnt, a few more notches in my understanding around sarcasm, a slight decrease in agility, a few new wrinkles, and if I'm lucky some extra pearls of wisdom under my belt. And I feel none the wiser...

One of my favourite books to read to my 2 year old daughter is Ruby Red Shoes, and it has been the source of much wisdom this past year. This book talks about Ruby the white hare who wears red shoes of course and lives with her adorable grandmother in a 'prettily painted caravan'. Ruby's grandmother teaches her to be an aware hare; to treat everyone's feelings like delicate bird's eggs. It then goes on to tell us that Ruby enjoys tending to her garden, taking care of her chickens, drinking cups of tea with friends and having quiet time -because quiet time is good for an aware hare. 

When I read this book for the first time, I missed it. But the second time I heard myself narrate it to my daughter's eager ears, it struck a chord deep within me. Here I am trying so desperately hard to be an aware 'hare', and Ruby had it down pat. The key? To strive less and to accept the part about being none the wiser.

I try so hard to figure it all out. I try to put together all the formulas... I try so hard to fix the things I am aware about without the peace or quiet times where I can recover and renew my mind. Ruby was just being herself, doing what she loved and scheduling in alone time to recoup because being aware can be tiring. And she understood something, that you can never figure it all out, and that's ok! You just have to rest in the mess, the not so perfect details of life. You have to find the peace despite the turmoil.

I have come to realise that being aware or pursuing wisdom will always be slightly out of my reach. And that is something to enjoy! Even if I gain understanding around something I once thought mysterious or was once completely ignorant to, in the very same epiphany-moment, I am left feeling obviously small next to the new-found pandora's box of unleashed ambiguities that come from each new discovery. I would hate to reach the end of the rainbow; the limit on wisdom.

Isn't it wonderful that there is no end to the rainbow... but this doesn't mean I just stop looking. No, I push forward, remain in orbit around wisdom's gravitational pull. But here is where I fall down - I forget to stop and rest. I need to remember to take the moments to enjoy the rainbow in all it's glory, because of it's endless complexion it would be mad not to stop and rest.

To stop and rest is to have acceptance. I need to accept my failings. Being aware means you constantly see your own failings. The beauty lies in acceptance.

So in light of a New Year, I am caring less for New Year's resolutions (they never work out for me anyway) and focusing more on delighting in the little moments each day that bring me closer to being aware and keep me utterly naive all in the one force. Why? Because it means the more I know, the less I know and that is a good thing. I never want to stop learning, I never want to stop discovering. I never want to cut myself off from the ability to see further because I was too quick to assume I had figured it out (which always ends in frustration and my own undoing). But most importantly I want to learn how to accept the mess while in the process of understanding it. 

The more I see, the more I see and it never ends, and it is beautiful.

Be inspired today!
Love Heids Xx

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Heidi Lakin

Heidi Lakin is a new mum to the beautiful Emera (born June 2012) and wife to best friend, Chad Lakin. Her story is not uncommon, having struggled for over 10 years with self-image issues that developed into eating disorders, depression, obsessive compulsive behaviour and anxiety. Her success in overcoming such perplexing battles is less common, which is why she founded Blussh - an online initiative that focuses on equipping women to find their sense of worth and committing to a life of freedom. Heidi has a vision to help women through such issues, but more importantly to help prevent poor body-image, self-doubt and everything that follows, in our young girls.