This post is not going to be full of weird sex positions... So move on if that is what you were hoping for! No, it won't even be full of delectable chocolate goodness -sorry to disappoint! And I just want to state for the record that nakedness has never been my thing. But yesterday it was. Let me tell you why.
I had a day all to myself. These are rare. I have a demanding 2-year old who's cute, chubby, greasy, dirty little hands are never far from my clothes, face or any part of my body. Emera, my daughter, doesn't understand personal space and often graces me with her presence whilst I visit the toilet. This week I have managed to shower 2 out of the 4 days so far. Right?! So, yesterday, when Chad drove off with our delightful little girl strapped up in the car seat ready for a whole day with Noni (Chad's mum), I had the urge to throw off my clothes and literally dance through the house towards the shower. So I did exactly that accompanied by an impromptu song. The freedom I felt surprised me, which was then followed by a flicker of guilt. Why do I feel so good about this childless moment?
It is my guilty pleasure, but unnecessarily so. In fact it made me stop and reflect over my life in this season, and it was then that I realised I don't get enough time to myself, thanks to my own pride and lack of balance. That reminded me about a lesson I learnt not long ago, that I obviously haven't finished learning: Having it all together is an ugly delusion that leads to insanity!
When I first had Emi, I was determined to show the world I could be a great mum. Whether or not people doubted me, or if it was just my own doubts circling in my head, something gripped at me and didn't let up for about 12 months. I thought I had to power on, living the dream of the perfect Pinterest mum, while inside I was dying a little. I compromised my own needs so I could always be the ultimate mum, rather than aim for balance and normality. I was then left extremely frazzled, exhausted and pretty much depressed. It was then that I started asking some questions to figure out what went wrong. What I discovered was more than just a lack of balance.
For the past year I have been in a perpetual identity crisis; where does Heidi reside? Am I forever a mum with no expression otherwise, or am I a creative artist that has a kid on the side? What will people think if I decide to dedicate some time to my craft rather than solely invest in my daughter? Am I a bad mum if I like being out of her reach for a couple of hours?
It doesn't help that I have always felt apologetic for my existence. Everything that I do is followed by a sort of "I'm sorry" demeanour. And I am still trying to figure that one out! I will let you know when I do. But it has created some other weird habitual thinking patterns that I am determined to break. For example, I feel like I am an inconvenience to almost everybody, especially when I am being creative. I feel like people don't understand or approve of the way I tick; I believe I have to constantly justify or prove myself, therefore I am a nuisance. What a load of poop. But this is a real battle for me and I think one of the primary problems behind my pride and hesitation to let go and let others in.
I can't keep pushing myself until I crack and start running around the house naked. And I can't feel guilty for wanting to be creative, or for wanting some time to myself. There has to be a more wholesome approach. So I am on a journey to find some healing and restoration in this area. No more apologies for being who I am. It doesn't mean I can now strut around town giving everyone the attitudinal-rude-finger. I simply want some peace and that feeling of assurance and understanding; I am great, but it is ok to find myself in a moment where I am not enough and I need help!!! I need other people and their strength, love support in my world to keep me going.
This lesson is going to be crucial for the season Chad, Emi and I have just entered into. I have been so afraid up until now to push my creativity... And what sort of an example is that to Emi, who is such an imaginative little girl? How can I cultivate the creativity in her, if I am afraid to chase after my own dreams? So this month Chad and I have taken a leap of faith and put into production some products we are going to sell through our new online store, Straight & Marrow. This has been a dream in the pipeline for a few years now. We are so scared but equally (if not more) excited and really looking forward to where this will take us. In fact since launching the blog, we have had an amazing show of support (hence the "Thank You" photo).
In starting this new venture, I have decided it is time to set aside the guilt, the apologies, and just enjoy the pleasures that come with being little old me. And I would love to know, has any one else struggled with this same thing? Please share your story and any advice or insight you have!
Love Heids Xx