When I first met Sam, she seemed frail, jittery and a little broken. And while she stood at a distance, her eyes –big, soft and a beautiful deep blue– let me in for just a moment... it was then I knew we had connected for a reason. We were chatting over coffee one day and she began telling me her story. I immediately wanted to scoop her up and protect her from the lies and pain caused. As we continued sharing our experiences, we instantly felt the beginnings of a life-long friendship stitch us together, and coffee dates soon became breakfast, lunch and dinner!
As Sam continues to recover, she thrusts herself into all things positive and affirming. When we ran #theblusshproject Feb Instagram Challenge, I was astonished at her enthusiasm and the inspiration she would pen on those little post it notes.
The thing that excites me most about Sam is, that despite her 'in-repair' condition she carries a sheer strength that inspires me every time I am with her. She is willing beyond compare to defeat this adversary, turning all the darkness into bright joy! I am bursting with pride for Sam. I have seen such amazing progress in her already; her determination and persistence has been her greatest asset in this journey, I have merely steered her in the right direction... So in the spirit of Easter, which represents new life and beginnings, please enjoy this last instalment of her empowering testimony (and watch this space, you'll be hearing from her again soon!).
Love Heids Xx
Sam's Story: Part 4
The last 6 and half years have been a roller-coaster of a ride. Trying to put words to all that I have been through in those years makes my head spin. There have been times of heartache, of desperation, of giving in, of depression but there has also been times of growth, of happiness, of love, even love for myself, and of hope. Meeting two beautiful women, who have overcome eating disorders and are now completely healed from all the chains that bound them, has been the most significant turning point for me in these last 6 and half years. Heidi Lakin and Tess Guinery. Before meeting these two remarkable ladies I had never believed that I could ever be completely healed from my eating disorder. I had read articles that had convinced me that I would be trapped in this way of thinking, obsessing over my body and never being content with it, for the rest of my life. Yes I could learn to control my thoughts a bit better and to enjoy myself again, but I should just get used to this way of thinking and accept the fact that it’s just the way that I am. Cue Heidi and Tess. These girls came into my life with all guns blazing, to completely contradict what the world tells you. They spoke to me from a place of complete freedom, no longer controlled by lies and deceit and a number on a scale. They have learnt to love themselves, to believe in themselves and to choose life.
I have lived the last 10 years of my life telling myself that I am not good enough, that I am too heavy, that I am lazy and have no self control, that I am unlovable. I punish myself constantly and live in a land of guilt and shame. I talk myself down and work so hard to be who I think everyone else wants to be. And I am tired. It is time to put a stop to this. For the first time in my life I wholeheartedly believe that I can be free, that I deserve and have a right to be free of all the chains that have bound me for so many years. I am enough, exactly the way that I am.
I still struggle everyday with my thought life. When you think a certain way for so long and obsess over the things that you do and have convinced yourself that you’re not good enough, it is very hard work to break free of all the patterns you have set in stone over the years. It takes courage, strength, perseverance and support. You have to believe that you can do this and that you can discover the beauty that exists inside of yourself.
This is my commitment for 2013. By choosing to believe every single day that I am worth it, by drawing on the support that has been built up around me and by allowing God into my heart to transform it, I will overcome my eating disorder.
If you can relate to Sam's story and feel stuck in your own journey towards freedom, we would love to help. We have some information that is worth reading on eating disorders here. But if that overwhelms you and you just need to talk to someone, please email us! We will do all that we can to point you in the right direction and get you on your way to wholeness.